I Got it Sorted

Hey

Well the day after I wrote the last blog I got it sorted out and God began to heal my heart. Every Wed. morning my house has prayer or worship time, so Kirsty and Mark (the pastor and his wife) prayed for me since it was just us who showed up on time. I had told my house a little of what was going on but I was surprised by Kirsty's word from God for me. She said that she got the sense that normally I am a caregiver in my circle of influence and that right now in this time of being away from my normal life (internship) God wants to care for me. She got a picture of me on a bed with gifts all around me and I am just passing them out to people, so it's like God wants to care for me and give me gifts so that I can care and give to others.

It was exactly what I needed to hear and it totally explained why I had all these feelings for this one guy (I didn't mention that part in the last blog). I didn't know what to do with all of the left over emotions and longings to care for someone so I put that into liking someone even though the whole time I knew that should be going towards God but I didn't know how to do that. Hense the crisis of not knowing how to relate to Jesus.

Then later that day I sat down with Kirsty and we went through these tests in a book called Sacred Pathways to see which pathways were strongest in me. Turns out my highest was Contemplative, then Caregiver, and Intellectual. Which I suppose I always knew I connected to God the most in those ways but it was good to have confirmation and the book also had ideas and warnings etc. for each pathway so it was good to read about them and then learn ways to do them.

So yeah, I am optimistic about the new things to try in my relationship with Jesus, and man, if there is one thing God is always faithful in for me it's speaking through other people!

For Jesus, Kate

All Mixed Up Inside

Hey.

I'm feeling weird and I just need to get it out.

Maybe I just need to stop worrying and just enjoy the present but these last few days I have felt so stuck inside my head and I can't stop thinking about things. Like I briefly mentioned in my last post, I recently came to the realization that I need to change how I see God/Jesus and its oddly stressing me out. Seeing him as an intimate lover is weird because it just doesn't feel right and I had a fine earthly father so I don't feel the need to see him as a dad. I know that it also depends on the situation, and the lesson being learned but I just feel like the old ways that I used to relate to him aren't working anymore. As in I want a more intimate relationship with Jesus, I want to be "Wasted on Jesus" as Jim Goll puts it.

Like, I see enough people around me who are and I read a lot of books and watch speakers on you tube or God tube but I just can't get myself to that point. Physically I am just not sensitive to the Spirit and the spirit realm and I want to be. I don't know if it's a matter of not being desparate enough or what. When I go to the Doug Stanton revivals, I just end up frustrated and mad almost at the people around me because they are all laughing and so full of joy and love and they just receive the Spirit and healing so easily, why can't I? There is this barrier, like a glass ceiling, I can see and KNOW that God is moving all around me but I just can't feel him right now, like I've made it to a certain level of relationship but can't get further. I am sick of KNOWING God, I want to EXPERIENCE him.

And it's hard to find the balance between how much of it is my fault, not spending as much time talking to him and in the word as I should. Or how much is up to him to bless us and show himself supernaturally to us. I want to press in and I try to spend hours praying or "soaking" but I just end up falling asleep or go crazy with all of the thoughts in my head, I don't know how to just listen. Maybe I think he won't answer and I fear that I wouldn't know how to look for the answers either since I am not sensitive.

I am also worrying about my future, now that college ends this year for me and I haven't thought much ahead to be honest. I dread having to actually grow up and pay for everything myself. I have accepted that as a person in ministry I will be poor the rest of my life and I will always have to have another part time job. The Christian college system is messed up, we pay so much for schooling and then have debt forever and usually don't even get to do what we went to school for because we have to get higher paying jobs to be able to pay off some debt. I have some dreams but I am always questioning what I am actually capable of doing or rather what God will use me for.

All I know is that I want an extraordinary life, growing up in the suburbs was great and our family was comfortable financially and I used to pray that one day I could get out of that materialistic bubble and REALLY have to depend on him. Well I think He is starting to answer that prayer...and I am scared. My whole immediate family is struggling with money, and I will be graduating and I want to travel, doing ministry, preferably with a husband but that looks like that won't be happening anytime soon.

This is the way I think I need to see Jesus since it was prophesied over me and all...I am His servant, going around doing ministry, teaching people about the Spirit, healing people, living in the Spirit, following God's every move, and wherever I go the atmosphere changes because I am a woman that brings God's presence with her.

Well I guess that's it. I'm sure I will be over all of this angst in a few days.

Book Report #1

Hey there, I thought it was time to write again as I have read some pretty awesome books these last few months and I feel like sharing a little bit about them.

Revolution by George Barna
is about the revolutionary new Christian movement going on today. About the shift from going to traditional church to BEING the church...pretty exciting and totally relevant, everyone (especially those in ministry) should read it! Plus what is cool for me personally is I feel like Mark, the pastor of my church that I am interning at, has totally cought the vision of what church should be and is pasionate about communtiy and relationship. So yeah it's really encouraging to be around people who have the same views as me.

Breaking The Missional Code by...forgot, is similar in content, more about the movement.

The Courage to Teach by Parker Palmer
Amazing for anyone who wants to teach anything! Just really good, especially the parts about paradoxes, movements, and identity.

Chasing Daylight by Erwin McManus
I have not finished this one, but so far it's really good. It's about seizing moments, risk taking for God, and here's a good little line from it "When we are passionate about God, we can trust our passions". This book is great for those seeking direction in their life.

Renovation of the Heart by Dallas Willard
Amazing, a great book about spiritual maturity, sanctification, transformation of your heart, and yeah becoming more like Christ. I tried to under line stuff but I had to stop because LITERALLY there was something interesting and thought-provoking on EVERY page! A MUST READ for ALL Christians, no matter where you are in your walk with God.

The Beginner's Guide to The Gift of Prophecy by Jack Deere
I am new to the whole prophecy gifting so this was really helpful, a great guideline for anyone with this gift or for those who want it (be encouraged because the Bible even says to pray to receive it).

Miracle Workers, Reformers, and the New Mystics by John Crowder
I can't even begin to tell you how amazing this book is, it's kind of long but the content is incredible and totally worth it. Crowder talks about people in history and miracles, signs, wonders, etc. and different Christian movements throughout history. He also talks a great deal about the near future, and how this generation will have gifts restored to the church and will see many creative miracles and will move in power beyond that of the early church! I can't wait! This one to is a MUST READ.

Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller
This book was funny, a fast read, and I really came to see the Bible in a new way, as a story of relationship between God and humans not just formulas, lessons, or rules. Something I had kind of forgotten after being at a Bible school for so long. The way he explains the Fall is so good and it kind of showed me how to see God as a lover which is something I have always been uncomfortable with. Like thinking of him as a Father is great, especially if you have daddy issues, but I don't so that never seemed to be intimate enough for me. So this whole Bride idea is starting to work for me especially since I have never had a date much less a boyfriend. If you're open to it, pray for me about that, cause I really want to know Jesus in a more intimate way and "soaking prayer" is a challenge for me.

Ok well that's all for now here are some of the books I will discuss in the next book report:

When Heaven Invades Earth by Bill Johnson
Angels on Assignment by Charles Francis Hunter
Wasted on Jesus by James Goll
and more...

Kate