All Mixed Up Inside

Hey.

I'm feeling weird and I just need to get it out.

Maybe I just need to stop worrying and just enjoy the present but these last few days I have felt so stuck inside my head and I can't stop thinking about things. Like I briefly mentioned in my last post, I recently came to the realization that I need to change how I see God/Jesus and its oddly stressing me out. Seeing him as an intimate lover is weird because it just doesn't feel right and I had a fine earthly father so I don't feel the need to see him as a dad. I know that it also depends on the situation, and the lesson being learned but I just feel like the old ways that I used to relate to him aren't working anymore. As in I want a more intimate relationship with Jesus, I want to be "Wasted on Jesus" as Jim Goll puts it.

Like, I see enough people around me who are and I read a lot of books and watch speakers on you tube or God tube but I just can't get myself to that point. Physically I am just not sensitive to the Spirit and the spirit realm and I want to be. I don't know if it's a matter of not being desparate enough or what. When I go to the Doug Stanton revivals, I just end up frustrated and mad almost at the people around me because they are all laughing and so full of joy and love and they just receive the Spirit and healing so easily, why can't I? There is this barrier, like a glass ceiling, I can see and KNOW that God is moving all around me but I just can't feel him right now, like I've made it to a certain level of relationship but can't get further. I am sick of KNOWING God, I want to EXPERIENCE him.

And it's hard to find the balance between how much of it is my fault, not spending as much time talking to him and in the word as I should. Or how much is up to him to bless us and show himself supernaturally to us. I want to press in and I try to spend hours praying or "soaking" but I just end up falling asleep or go crazy with all of the thoughts in my head, I don't know how to just listen. Maybe I think he won't answer and I fear that I wouldn't know how to look for the answers either since I am not sensitive.

I am also worrying about my future, now that college ends this year for me and I haven't thought much ahead to be honest. I dread having to actually grow up and pay for everything myself. I have accepted that as a person in ministry I will be poor the rest of my life and I will always have to have another part time job. The Christian college system is messed up, we pay so much for schooling and then have debt forever and usually don't even get to do what we went to school for because we have to get higher paying jobs to be able to pay off some debt. I have some dreams but I am always questioning what I am actually capable of doing or rather what God will use me for.

All I know is that I want an extraordinary life, growing up in the suburbs was great and our family was comfortable financially and I used to pray that one day I could get out of that materialistic bubble and REALLY have to depend on him. Well I think He is starting to answer that prayer...and I am scared. My whole immediate family is struggling with money, and I will be graduating and I want to travel, doing ministry, preferably with a husband but that looks like that won't be happening anytime soon.

This is the way I think I need to see Jesus since it was prophesied over me and all...I am His servant, going around doing ministry, teaching people about the Spirit, healing people, living in the Spirit, following God's every move, and wherever I go the atmosphere changes because I am a woman that brings God's presence with her.

Well I guess that's it. I'm sure I will be over all of this angst in a few days.